3/29-31/2007  "Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is
not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NIV)

LOVE…. why was I concerned with love at the end of March and not the middle of  Sc00647a55_2Sc00647a55
February. I think by trying to over come my fear of death I decided to focus on love. Why now do I feel the need to write a post on love. Truthfully I attempted to start this post last night and decided it was necessary to make an art stamp using the words LOVE. Avoidance at its best. I am brilliant at creating a new task to avoid the main task. This morning after opening my laptop I then wandered around the house, had detailed discussions with the dogs, flipped through several books and almost started watching Ugly Betty episodes from last year. Enough I said to myself just sit down and start typing and stop talking to your self. In the midst of all this digressing I did stumble upon this  quote….
In the depths of our being, in body, mind, and spirit, we know we are created to love and be loved. Fulfilling this imperative, responding to to this  vocation, is the central meaning of our life. – Sam Keen 
How do I write about love when my own ability to love is being put to its greatest test?

Pat, my husband who is fighting chronic depression, is taking a two week hiatus to "find himself". He is still working but is living in my mom’s townhouse while she is in Florida. This past weekend I experienced ever emotion possible and some emotions I did not know I had.  I spent the weekend trying to answer impossible questions….Is his medicine working….Is he running away instead of facing his problems….Will I want him back in two weeks….How is this effecting the kids…etc. etc. etc.
Although, caring always involves a willingness and intention to act,
sometimes the best we can do is be present to another person’s
struggle, suffering and hope. -Sam Keen

I realized this morning that I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I need to be loving and nurturing to myself. Maybe Pat is not running away but is running towardsP1020229_2
solitude and self-discovery. Maybe he will find his inner strength and resolve. Maybe my role in all of this  is simple to be present. This is not an easy role for me as I like to be actively  involved  in everything around 
me. I like to organize, solve and fix things. It  is not easy for me to sit on the stairs and watch. I need to learn it is okay just to be here and offer my love and support from my new vantage point. There are things in this world that are out of my control and I do more damage getting involved. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I need to work with the love that protects, trusts, hopes and always perseveres. I remember reading  the "opposite of love is not hate but indifference." by Elie Wiesel. Maybe that is what I fight so hard against, the feeling of indifference because no matter what i want to be loved.

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4 Responses to LOVE

  1. darlene says:

    oh honey … be gentle with you, sending you love and a warm hug, xo

  2. joan says:

    Susan… you are loved.
    And deeply admired for your strength and your resolve. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing.
    Love is the key, love is the answer, and love overcomes all.
    May these two weeks be everything both of you need for them to be.
    May you find peace and healing that only love can bring.

  3. mimi says:

    Susan… I want so much to be there and to give you a hug on the stairs where you so patiently and lovingly sit – watching, waiting, and reflecting. So often I think about the Corinthians verse that you used to start this entry – the same verse most of us chose for our weddings. So often I wonder if I really do love my own spouse. Certainly, I am not patient or kind. I’m envious that we made choices for him, not me. I’m easily angered and I definitely keep records of wrongs. In the beginning, I loved. Over time, I became angry and frustrated with always being the one to give. I, like you, wanted to be loved but instead became mentally and physically exhausted. Now I am indifferent, waiting patiently for the future when I might have my time back again. Although I know he is trying, I find it hard to see past my indifference. Maybe it is too late or maybe it is time to start again. Through your reflections, you have given me strength. Why is it that you are always there for others, even in your saddest moments?
    Susan, you are an incredible friend, mom and spouse. I have watched another friend go through the ups and downs of depression with her husband. In my opinion, it is the most difficult sickness that you can face in a relationship. All you want to say is, “get over it and get on with your life. Grow up. Life is tough and we all deal with the ups and downs.” But depression is more invasive than the worst cancer. I know you, Susan. If anyone can help Pat, it is you. Speak to your father in your prayers. He will help you. Whenever I’m really stuck, I think of him and secretly ask for his opinion and for his guidance.
    Time apart is good. If you need anything, please know that I am here for you. You are truly loved – don’t ever forget it.

  4. PixieDust says:

    Thinking of you, (((hugging))) you, and loving you so very much…

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