3/29-31/2007 "Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is
not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NIV)
LOVE…. why was I concerned with love at the end of March and not the middle of
February. I think by trying to over come my fear of death I decided to focus on love. Why now do I feel the need to write a post on love. Truthfully I attempted to start this post last night and decided it was necessary to make an art stamp using the words LOVE. Avoidance at its best. I am brilliant at creating a new task to avoid the main task. This morning after opening my laptop I then wandered around the house, had detailed discussions with the dogs, flipped through several books and almost started watching Ugly Betty episodes from last year. Enough I said to myself just sit down and start typing and stop talking to your self. In the midst of all this digressing I did stumble upon this quote….
In the depths of our being, in body, mind, and spirit, we know we are created to love and be loved. Fulfilling this imperative, responding to to this vocation, is the central meaning of our life. – Sam Keen
How do I write about love when my own ability to love is being put to its greatest test?
Pat, my husband who is fighting chronic depression, is taking a two week hiatus to "find himself". He is still working but is living in my mom’s townhouse while she is in Florida. This past weekend I experienced ever emotion possible and some emotions I did not know I had. I spent the weekend trying to answer impossible questions….Is his medicine working….Is he running away instead of facing his problems….Will I want him back in two weeks….How is this effecting the kids…etc. etc. etc.
Although, caring always involves a willingness and intention to act,
sometimes the best we can do is be present to another person’s
struggle, suffering and hope. -Sam Keen
I realized this morning that I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I need to be loving and nurturing to myself. Maybe Pat is not running away but is running towards
solitude and self-discovery. Maybe he will find his inner strength and resolve. Maybe my role in all of this is simple to be present. This is not an easy role for me as I like to be actively involved in everything around
me. I like to organize, solve and fix things. It is not easy for me to sit on the stairs and watch. I need to learn it is okay just to be here and offer my love and support from my new vantage point. There are things in this world that are out of my control and I do more damage getting involved. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I need to work with the love that protects, trusts, hopes and always perseveres. I remember reading the "opposite of love is not hate but indifference." by Elie Wiesel. Maybe that is what I fight so hard against, the feeling of indifference because no matter what i want to be loved.